Weight and Self-Esteem

Weight has always been an issue from me. Even before I got sick, I was always insecure about showing any skin. I knew that people were looking at me and judging how I looked. When I first got sick, I lost 60 lbs and everyone was telling me that I looked amazing. I weighted under what I should. I was actually happy about this, but looking back, I looked sick. What I mostly lost was muscle from not eating and also the removal of damaged tissue and my bones stuck out.

Shortly afterward, I began to gain weight from a sedentary lifestyle and large doses of predisnone. My weight went up by a lot, like I am ashamed to admit how bad it got, more than double of my original pre-illness weight. I hated how I looked so much that I wouldn't let people take full body pictures of me. I never told anyone how psychologically messed up I was.  I stopped getting ready, because I didn't see a possibility of beautiful. It wasn't until I started walking in April of 2010 that this changed and almost three years later, I am still working on a healthy self-esteem.

Anyways, the reason for this is before my absence, I was keeping you updated to how much weight I have lost. I am now at 90 total, which is amazing. Instead of numbers, I am focusing on small goals in both my diet and exercise. I am also keeping a list that I update daily on one positive affirmation about myself that I can't repeat until next month. 

Some books that I think dealt with weight issues that I really enjoyed are Fat Cat by Robin Brande, Looks by Madeleine George, Food, Girls, and Other Things I Can't Have by Allen Zandoff, Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson, and Keeping the Moon by Sarah Dessen. Most recently, Park & Eleanor by Rainbow Rowell There are many more, but I can't think of them at this moment. Anyways, it is a work in progress and I am trying to become more happy about who I am.  If you have any suggestions on books that deal with weight or self esteem, leave them below.