Brenda Drake is having an awesome contest, which you can learn more about here.Name: Sarah Woodard
Title: The Secrets of Sisters
Genre: YA contemporary
Here is my first line: All I can think about is how much I hate my sister as I find puke in the toilet again.
Tell me what you think...
This, I believe, would definitely be a line to draw the reader in! I know we are supposed to give suggestions in the comments, but the only thing I would suggest is moving around a few words. Otherwise, I love it!
ReplyDelete"When I find puke in the toilet again, all I can think about is how much I hate my sister."
Love the line, and I have to agree with Maria. By changing the words around it makes it more punchier.
ReplyDeleteI like it! It really does make you interest. I'm so bad with first lines. LOL Mine end up being a nice few lines, I think...but not an overall WOW, first line.
ReplyDelete-Lauren
Haha interesting opening! I like it!
ReplyDeleteI'm going to agree with Maria as well. I like the sentence, I'm hooked, but I would change up the order.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely grabs your attention. I read the original version and modified version a few times, even out loud to my sister, and we don't think they're so far apart as to make a difference in the end. The second one looks nicer, though, because the format is a little more complex. *too much info?*
ReplyDeleteI agree that rearranging the sentence makes it stronger. It delivers a harder punch because in the first version, you kind of gloss over the part about her hating her sister to find out why. But in the suggested version, you get puke and then the sister and I'm right there hating her with your character.
ReplyDeleteI actual felt sorry for her sister - I'm not sure if that's the feeling you are going for or not.
ReplyDeleteWow. Nice imagery. Maybe it could start with the flush? LOL. Bitterness is well played.
ReplyDeleteInteresting to say the least! Agreed with other when they say change up a few words. Maybe even something as simple as changing 'as' to 'when'? All I can think about is how much I hate my sister when I find puke in the toilet again.
ReplyDeleteGreat job!
I love this first sentnce. I agree with the comments to consider rearranging it. Make the discovery the first thing we see because it's what's fueling the hate.
ReplyDeleteGreat hook!
All I can think is how much more would she hate her sister if she didn't quite make it to the toilet, but I like it. Strong.
ReplyDeleteOh, sorry. One more thing. It does make your MC start off as a bit of a "I'm better than my binging sister" type. Is that the intent?
ReplyDelete